Famed Plumber Mario Assassinated at 35


From IGN

Dean Robbins, Arts Editor

Famed multi-hypenate Mario Mario (1985-2021) was assassinated by the company Nintendo early in the morning on March 31st, 2021. He was an intrepid adventurer, a kart racer, a devoted boyfriend, a sports player, and, of course, a plumber with his brother Luigi Mario. To list the many achievements of Mario would take many pages from his charitable work teaching typing to children in 1992 to participating in the Olympic Games with his longtime frenemy Sonic the Hedgehog. He is survived by girlfriend Princess Peach, brother Luigi Mario, and his recently-estranged father Shigeru Miyamoto. A memorial service was held in the Mushroom Kingdom and was attended by friends and foes alike. King Bowser, ex-husband of Peach and longtime rival, was seen attending with his closest goombas and koopas. John Leguizamo, the actor who played Luigi Mario in the biopic Super Mario Bros, was also seen. Some friends gave their regards from a distance. Space adventurer Samus Aran sent a letter covered in Metroid remains in which the message “My Condolences for Your Loss” were scrawled hastily.

The situation around the assassination of Mario has attracted a lot of controversy throughout the multiverse. In the Fall of 2020, Nintendo announced it would be publicly executing Mario on March 31st, 2021. Despite much opposition, Nintendo began their execution late on March 30th by cancelling Mario’s construction contracts on the Wii U. Then, Nintendo shut down Mario’s battle royale competition Super Mario 35. Peach reports that Mario took the news hard, despite knowing it would happen. She says he was “completely dejected…I tried giving him a Mushroom but it had no effect”. At the funeral, Luigi Mario told Mushroom Kingdom News that “this was a [redacted for language] stunt by Nintendo who discarded Mario like a [redacted for language]…” before being carried off by his attorneys. Around midnight Japan Standard Time, Mario drew his last breath. Close sources have reported that his final words were: “Shigeru, Shigeru, why have you forsaken me?”. The story continues to develop as the hours go on as new details come in.