Vermin Supreme 2020: An Objectively Correct Case


Image from the Vermin Supreme Facebook page.

Dean Robbins, Allegheny Campus Staff

This is not libertarian presidential candidate Vermin Supreme’s first election. He has been fighting for almost a decade for his platform of dental hygiene, equine redistribution, and alternative energy solutions. I believe Supreme is clearly the best choice to lead our glorious country into a new era of prosperity.

Supreme has built his campaign on five core platforms. Since the beginning of his political career, he has fought for mandatory enforced tooth brushing. As part of this, Supreme proposes a set of major changes to the American societal structure. The police force will be abolished and replaced with a new field of “moral hygienists”, who will enforce the virtues of dental hygiene and the domestic defense against gingivitis, halitosis, and cavities. As he says, “America has been suffering a great moral and oral decay—in spirit and incisors”. Under a Vermin Supreme administration, dental hygiene will come to represent the hygiene of America’s soul. We are plagued by gum issues—literal and metaphorical.

The second core platform of Supreme 2020 is the use of the expected undead population as the foundation of new alternative power solutions. With the coming zombie apocalypse, America needs to act fact and develop comprehensive solutions to replace the aging and environment destroying energy methods with new clean solutions powered by the brain-hungry populace of the future. But Supreme, unafraid of “political correctness”, takes his energy plan a step further. Trump said, “Drain the swamp.” Supreme proposes a systematic zombification of all current politicians. These power-hungry career politicians will become the energy backbone of the glorious new USA. Additionally, prisons will no longer be overcrowded.         One thing Americans love is summer camp. Vermin Supreme knows this and thus has proposed the idea of the “Funcentration Camp”. The Border Wall will become the world’s longest lazy river and water park complex. The armed Funcentration Camp Counselors will patrol the joy and happiness for illegal despair. Illegal border crossers will automatically become Funcentration Campers. As a Camper, you will be given, of course, a free pony and unlimited access to the lazy river, water slides, and food stands of the Camp. All Camp Counselors will have lifeguard training and water gun combat training. Jobs are a constant issue in America and these camps will resolve that by creating a massive new workforce of Camp Counselors. And being a Camp Counselor will encourage a healthy lifestyle for all. It’s a win-win-win.

The fourth core platform and possibly the most is the restructuring of the American economy around ponies. Everyone loves ponies. Under the AFFPIP or the Absolutely Free Federal Pony Identification Program, all American residents will receive a pony. Your Personal Pony will act as both a new form of ID as well as a loving companion. Anyone seen without their Personal Pony will be publicly executed along with their family and friends. Imagine the good a program like this will create. Millions of new jobs will be created to raise, maintain, and bury our beloved ponies. Saddle makers, alfalfa farmers, blacksmiths, bronies, and producers of equestrian-related movies and shows will enter an endless golden era. All Americans have the right to free and accessible ponies. Every academic has unanimously agreed on it. Trust us. Trust Supreme.

Let’s say you disagree with Vermin Supreme’s objectively correct platform. You will be given the option to recant your heresy and given the honor of being zombified for the use in Supreme’s glorious renewable energy creation. You will be judged in one of Supreme’s “Kangaroo Courts”. The courts are of course named after the classic film Kangaroo Jack, which will be shown twice a year to every American resident. Supreme is never wrong. He has seen all timelines and knows what is best for you. How can you argue against that? For violent criminals, you will be sent to one of our Vermin’s Stable Homes. You will learn the value of dental hygiene and ponies. Failure to comply won’t happen.

So are you tired of old out-of-touch politicians like Donald Trump, Bernie Sanders or Joe Biden but still want an authoritarian white male tyrant in the Oval Officer? Vermin Supreme is right for you. Vermin Supreme: The Tyrant You Can Trust.